well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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