I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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