he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
