I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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