Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
