Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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