you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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