If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
