i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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