Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
