Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
