i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You may now shotgun with the bride
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
