he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
