Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You have to summon your inner elephant
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
