Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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