So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
