I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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