Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
