I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
