would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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