You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
They took my balls.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
