if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
