I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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