my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Randomize
