Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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