someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Randomize
