I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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