I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
