Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize