Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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