I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
