It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Randomize
