he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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