Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
