Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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