watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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