tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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