how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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