Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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