As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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