okay pat passed out under dana's car
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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