Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize