I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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