U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
