So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
