I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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