dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
