Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
