i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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