The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
