I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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