We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
