My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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