did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
