Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
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