We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
