I am puke
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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