I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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