I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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