I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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