i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
