Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize