Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She's the barista slut.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
