...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize