3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
