i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
