in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
