it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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